I had something to say but I've lost my words. Something in me seems broken and I cant figure it out.

I miss Aunty incredibly much tonight and I find myself losing my way. I find myself sitting in places where she has sat on for her entire life with us, using the blunt knife she used to cook us the countless number of meals, lying in the dark, silent room floor at the end of a tiring day . Trying to feel how she felt and what it was like living with us. My heart hurts so much, knowing that she gave us all the love she has and yet I did not treasure her. I kept thinking I'll have "the next time" with her. But it's too late.

 （人間蒸發）

"People tend to not feel anymore" 
"I know this but why won't I acknowledge that?" 
What a sudden realisation that I've have committed the act of refusing to feel what I should feel.